July 14, 2002 OPTIONAL FIELD you know, i may never be a socially conscious poet. i may always write in the "I" voice. but you know what, i'm writing. and tomorrow night i will read at the note for the second consecutive time, and that is cool. maybe i'm not ready for the straight job i will start in 8 hours. maybe i would be better off without the safety, instead having people worship my feet, and teaching mexican families what the american school systems are like, and participating in sleep studies at northwestern university, and making sushi, and anything else required to find an answer to my age-old question: how can i make a career out of proselytizing? conducting random experiments and beginning mental outlines for a book. maybe first book, maybe never-to-be-published book. it is remarkable how six months of living in japan has made the word "maybe" a prominent figure in my vocabulary. quite sick. but it has opened me to possibilities i perhaps hadn't considered seriously. had a long talk with kenny today. we have known each other for eight years and it is good to know we can always pick each other's brains. after eight years it is still our favorite thing to do together. we can always start where we left off and we never get bored with it. i hate that he knows me so well and despite his occasional episodes, he can tell it to me like it is better than anyone. now, even with my intense cynicism and playful defensiveness, i can take it. he made a really good point today about cynicism, that there are two kinds. the second is mere withdrawal, and now i am forgetting the first. the way he phrased it was perfect and i told him to write it down. i always want to write it down. found my old journals today--yes, going back to when i was 10 or 11. and i have a much longer written history of my life than i'd once thought. how did music always take a back burner? at least my voice, like the pen, has always been there. two reliable circuits that haven't been shorted yet.